My name is Holly. I am 18. I am British. And I hope to use this platform as a self- help sort of thing, as well as perhaps in the future, helping a few other people too. I definitely like the sound of my own voice hahaha. No, but I do think to a certain degree there is some truth in that. I like to soundboard off of other people. When I am by myself, which is most of the time, I am driven insane by a flood of inner- dialogues and it is too much. I like to hear other people’s voices and thoughts and I like to let the torrent of mess that is inside my mind spill out through my voice. So, this is a prior apology for what might be a rather egotistical blog/ website, but I really need this. So, here goes. Day 1 of Holly’s Hopefully Helpful Hole (the name just rolls off of the tongue doesn’t it?- I will work on that later).
Growing up, I’d say I was definitely a sheep. You know, those puppy- like people who never seemed to have an independent thought. I remember in year 4, I lived away from home at school, and we had this talent show one evening, where we had to audition to star in the final (a discount Britain’s Got Talent). I was terrified. I hadn’t come up with anything and I remember having this really surreal conversation with the deputy head where he said ‘you have to audition, everyone is’. I hated being in the spotlight like this. I cried and ran to my dormitory and later one of my friends came up with an idea for me- ‘Get a cloth and a hairclip. Present the hairclip on the table. Tell everyone to close their eyes, say ‘ABRACADBRA’, pick the hairclip up with the cloth, and BOOM- hairclip gone’. When I think back on this ridiculous situation, I feel A) silly for getting so worked up and B) embarrassed for what was later an extremely awkward audition- slow clap and everything. However, this example is one of many in my life where I was the shy, mousy girl. Thinking back on it now, I know they stemmed, and stem, from my many insecurities. And the fact that I am that shy girl is strange to a certain extent. I love Drama (although I think I love it because I am portraying somebody else). I, equally, have a bubbly persona. I really do speak my mind, which is often the WRONG thing to do. And I laugh most of the time- around my friends, mind you, family is another topic for another day- but it is much like an icing on a mouldy cake. What I feel inside is not… it’s not healthy, no, it is surreal… almost dream- like. And it’s sadness. Emptiness. I have yet to find MY purpose in life. And so, really, this blog/ website/ stream of consciousness, is a way for me to write everything I feel inside down, so that I can read back on it and maybe understand who I am more. And, in the end, I hope it will reveal a path to the future. Because I am in the fucking woods everyone, with like Red Riding Hood and her basket of fruit and James Corden singing to a cow somewhere. I am in the thick of it.
Anyway, bye for now 🙂